|
 Born
to be wild?
Parents
with "difficult" children often blame themselves.
They shouldn't.
Here's what the experts think about temperament-and how to cope.
By
Armin Brott
(01/08/01)
Do
you have a difficult child? Maybe your little darling doesn't
sleep through the night or picks at her food or freaks out at
the slightest noise or change in surroundings. Or maybe he screams
for hours for no particular reason or throws tantrums if you even
think about putting him down. And nothing you do seems to make
it any better. If any of this sounds familiar, you aren't alone.
Experts estimate that about 20 percent of kids put their parents
through the ringer one way or another. Having a "difficult"
child can leave you feeling exhausted and depressed, unsure of
your parenting skills, angry at your baby for their "malicious"
behavior, embarrassed at the way people stare at you and your
child, guilty about how angry you feel, and jealous of anyone
you know who has one of those sweet, calm, smiling babies.
Well, the good news is that if you have a difficult child, it's
pretty unlikely that you're a bad parent. The fact is that most
of the differences between your child and all those "easy"
kids you know has more to do with the way they were born than
anything else.
About forty years ago, a husband-and-wife team of psychiatrists,
Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas, took a radical new look at
children's behavior: rather than blaming the mother for anything
and everything that made her baby even slightly less-than-angelic,
they theorized that children are actually born with a set of fundamental
behavioral and emotional traits or "temperamental qualities."
Although it took a while for Chess' and Thomas' theories to catch
on, they are now accepted by nearly every child-rearing expert
in the business.
Your baby's temperamental qualities--which can be seen as early
as three or four months--determine, to a great extent, whether
he baby will be "easy" or "challenging." And
although your child's temperament may be influenced by other factors,
for the most part it exists at birth and will remain fairly consistent
for life. Temperamental qualities combine differently in each
child, and it's not at all unusual for kids in the same family
to be complete opposites.
But whatever your baby's temperament is, try to stay away from
labeling it "good" or "bad." It's not your
baby's fault, it's not your fault, and it's not your spouse's
fault. It's just the way things are. Because your baby's temperament
will also have a major influence on your and your spouse's behavior
and attitudes, knowing about it--and how to react to it--can be
incredibly important.
Here's an overview of the temperament traits and suggestions on
ways to cope with some of the difficulties that may come up. And
be sure to take the quiz that follows to see where your baby-and
you, for that matter-fit.
-Activity
Level
-Sensitivity
-Regularity
-Intensity
-Curiosity/Caution
-Adaptability
-Persistence
-Mood
Activity
Level:
Description:
- Low
Activity babies are perfectly content to lay still while nursing
or getting changed. They'll sit still in their car seats and prefer
gentle rocking and swings to wrestling. High Activity babies rarely
stop moving. They spend their nights doing laps in their cribs
and they're nearly impossible to dress, change, bathe, or feed.
They also spend a lot of time practicing their physical skills
and, as a result, are a lot more accident prone than their less
active peers.
|
Coping:
|
| • |
Low
Activity level babies are generally pretty easy to deal
with.
For your High Activity baby, however: |
| • |
Invest
in some extra-soft crib bumpers and make sure there's nothing
inside the crib (or nearby) that could fall on top of the
baby's head. |
| • |
Dress
the baby in something thick so he'll be warm when he kicks
the covers off. |
| • |
Be
extra thorough when childproofing your home: keep stairs
blocked off, attractive objects safely out of reach, and
put something soft under anything you think the baby will
use to practice standing. |
| • |
Never,
never, never leave your High Activity (or any other) baby
unattended on a changing table or on bed--even for a second--She
very well could roll off. |
Sensitivity:
Description:
Low Sensitivity babies love loud music and crowds, aren't bothered
by clothing labels, wet or dirty diapers, and may take little
notice of pain. High Sensitivity babies seem to wake up at the
drop of a pin, are miserable in anything but a brand new diaper,
and may notice even the tiniest change in the taste of their food.
Sounds, smells, and sensations you might hardly notice can cause
him to explode into tears: turning on the car radio, the crowd
applauding at a basketball game (yes, you can take babies to basketball
games), even too many toys in his crib.
Coping:
| • |
Modify
the amount and type of stimulation in his environment. Avoid
neon colors when decorating his room, get thick drapes to
keep daytime light out during nap time, and don't play actively
with him right before bedtime. |
| • |
Highly
Sensitive children often calm down when removed from whatever
it is that's overstimulating them. |
| • |
Stay
away from tight clothes, brand new clothes (they're often
too stiff), wool, synthetic fabrics, or anything with a
rough weave. Cotton blends usually offer the best combination
of washability and softness. And be sure to remove scratchy
labels and tags off. |
Regularity:
Description:
Highly Predictable babies love routines; they get hungry, tired,
and fill their diapers at pretty much the same times every day.
Unpredictable babies are, well, completely unpredictable. They
may or may not take naps, probably won't eat when you want them
to and you can count on to need a new diaper within five minutes
after you change them.
Coping:
| • |
Try
to get your baby to eat something at times that are convenient
for you. If you schedule meals at the same times every day,
you may be able to help him create a modified routine. |
| • |
When
going to her room in the night, don't pick her up, don't
turn on the lights, don't play, and get out as soon as you
can. Once you stumble on a getting-back-to-sleep routine,
stick with it. If your baby's sleep irregularities are truly
serious, alternate shifts with your spouse while the other
gets some sleep. |
Intensity:
Description:
Low
Intensity babies have a pretty narrow range of emotions, from
quiet smiles to quiet crying. High Intensity babies do everything--from
shrieking with delight or crying--so loudly it hurts your ears.
High Intensity babies can also be physically intense, flailing
their arms and legs, and shoving things away. This means that
they, like Highly Active babies should be considered accident
risks.
Coping:
| • |
If
you can't stand your Intense baby's screaming, it's perfectly
fine to put him safely in a crib or playpen and give
yourself a time out. And don't feel guilty; you may have
lost your patience because of your own sensitivity to noise. |
| • |
Don't
be afraid to ask for help. Have a friend spell you or, if
the stress is building up, talk to a stress hotline, your
clergyperson, or a trained therapist. |
| • |
As
with the Highly Active baby, never leave your baby unattended
on a bed or changing table, and take extra care when childproofing. |
Curiosity/Caution:
Description:
Curious babies separate easily from their parents, are excited
to interact with new people, and love to try new foods. Cautious
babies need plenty of time to warm up to new people and activities,
and are usually extremely picky eaters.
They generally begin experiencing stranger anxiety earlier--and
it will last longer--than more Curious babies. And because they
have a lot of trouble separating from their parents, Cautious
babies are often a bit slower in developing independence.
Coping:
| • |
Gently
and gradually introduce new foods at different meals. |
| • |
Give
the baby a chance to "meet" a new toy from a distance
before letting him touch it. |
| • |
Tell
new visitors, and even those the baby knows a little bit,
not to approach too quickly, not to try to pick him up right
away, and not to take it personally if the baby reacts negatively. |
Adaptability:
Description:
Fast
Adapting babies don't mind changes in their regular routines,
love new things, and can drop off to sleep in seconds--no matter
where they are. Slow Adapting babies have difficulty coping with
changes in their environment and with transitions of all kinds.
They resent your wanting to wash their face, change their diapers,
or even pick them up. Slow Adapting babies often have sleep difficulties:
They may refuse to fall asleep in a strange place (or even a moderately
familiar one like grandma and grandpa's), and when they wake up
they're often grouchy and irritable.
Coping:
| • |
Give
plenty of warning before making major (or even minor) transitions
and expect a struggle anyway. |
| • |
Try
to avoid making transitions just before nap, sleep time,
or meals. |
| • |
Don't
change baby-sitters or caregivers too often. |
| • |
Think
long and hard before making any major changes in your appearance.
Getting a haircut, shaving your beard, or even replacing
your glasses with contacts can trigger a strong, negative
reaction. |
| • |
Don't
give in too quickly to your baby's protests. She needs to
learn that your needs are just as important as hers. |
Persistence:
Description:
Your
Highly Persistent baby is generally pretty oblivious to interruptions
when she's involved in something serious (like nursing or playing).
She can also amuse herself for a few minutes at a time, and likes
to practice new skills. But be prepared for a lot of tears if
you try to get her to stop playing and go to sleep or eat or let
you change her diaper. Your Low Persistence baby is easily frustrated--even
by simple tasks, has a pretty short attention span and flits from
activity to activity. Her frustrations make her cry a lot but
her distractibility makes it possible to easily take her mind
of f what's troubling her.
Coping:
| • |
Highly
Persistent babies need extra time to make transitions. But
keep to your schedule. |
| • |
Low
Persistence babies often require extra soothing. Sometimes
just hearing your voice or even having you nearby can do
the trick. But once you put her back down, she might start
crying again, so try to do your soothing in a place you
plan to stay for a while. |
| • |
Use
different ways (and different people) to distract your baby.
The more options you have, the better. But try to stay away
from using nursing as a soothing mechanism. Nursing works
too well and you don't want your baby to be able to be soothed
only by mom. |
| • |
Don't
rush to satisfy your baby's every demand for instant gratification.
Letting him experience a bit of frustration will help him
build up his tolerance for it. |
- Mood:
Description:
Positive Mood babies are generally happy all the time and laugh
at just about everything. Negative Mood babies tend to whimper
and cry most of the time--often during such mundane activities
as hair brushing and diaper changing.
Coping:
| • |
While
there isn't much that can make you happier than going out
with a smiling, happy baby, it's often hard to take pleasure--or
even feel proud of--a baby with a Negative Mood. |
| • |
Don't
think that just because he doesn't smile at you all the
time your baby doesn't love you. If you're feeling this
way, resist the urge to get angry with your baby for her whining,
or to "get even" with her by withholding your
love. It may sound silly, but it does happen.) The truth
is that the lack of a smile doesn't necessarily mean there's
a lack of love. And the whining will subside as your baby's
verbal skills improve, enabling him to get your attention
in more productive ways. |
Of
course, your baby isn't the only one in your family with identifiable
temperament characteristics. The way your temperament and your
child's work together is called "goodness of fit" and
is extremely important to be aware of. If you're both Highly Distractible,
for example, you may never get through that book you're reading--and
neither of you will care. But if you're Highly Approaching and
the baby is Highly Withdrawing, you may have some real problems
taking her to meet your boss for the first time. So spend a few
minutes getting to know--and accept--your own temperament (the
quiz below will work just fine).
At the very least, your newfound knowledge about your baby's-and
your own-temperament will enable you to modify your approaches
to your child's behavior and to anticipate and avoid conflicts
before they occur. As a result you'll be a lot more confident
and a lot less frustrated. You'll also have a far happier, loving,
and satisfying relationship with your child. Guaranteed.
THE
QUIZ:
Now
that you know what to look for, spend a few minutes rating your
baby on the following scale. And have your spouse do it, too.
Activity
Level
Not
too active 1 2 3 4 5 Always in a hurry
Sensitivity
(measure
sensitivities to sound, light, and color separately)
Oblivious 1 2 3 4 5 Aware of every little thing
Regularity
Eats,
sleeps, fills diapers like clockwork
1 2 3 4 5
You just never know when anything's going to happen
Intensity
Does
everything loudly 1 2 3 4 5 Completely laid back
Curiosity/Caution
A
real explorer 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely cautious
Adaptability
Warms
right up to everything 1 2 3 4 5 Hates new things
Persistence
Never
gives up 1 2 3 4 5 Never get through anything
Mood
Happy
as a clam 1 2 3 4 5 Crying and pouting nearly all the time
The scoring here is pretty easy. If you've got a lot of 1s and
2s, congratulations--you've got a pretty easy baby. The more 4s
and 5s, though, the more frustrating things might be.
As if you didn't know already.
-
Armin
Brott, the father of two daughters, lives in the Bay Area. A frequent
magazine contributor, he is the author of The Expectant Father
and The New Father (both from Abbeville). You can find him at
Armin@MrDad.com
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