| Why
Sex Is My Secret By Zack O. Greenburg (9/1/00) Adults sometimes ask teenagers to talk about sex or dating, and are met with strong opposition. Why is this? Even though I'm a teenager and have these feelings, it's hard to pinpoint exactly why. But I have a few theories. For one, discussing sex with parents often feels like an invasion of privacy because teenagers think about it in private so much. Many teenagers feel uncomfortable discussing sex with their parents because at some level they feel it opens up a sort of mental trap door that parents can use to get into their kids' brains and pick through their kids' heads, looking for forbidden thoughts just like they rummage around their kids' rooms looking for pornography and drugs. Kids feel that if their parents know what they're thinking about sex, the most private of topics, then they can know any of their kids' secrets-- anything kids don't want their parents to know. Although that sounds a little paranoid, most teenagers feel that to a certain extent. They want to keep their parents out of their heads, at a safe enough distance that they can have their own thoughts without the possibility of them being intercepted by some imaginary parental mind-reading device. Teenagers are also worried (irrationally, I once thought) that if they talk to their parents about sex, their parents might advertise this to other parties, such as their friends, causing all kinds of humiliation. It turns out that this was a valid fear, at least in my case. I was at a Peer Leadership meeting at school with my dad. About ten of my classmates and their parents were there, too. The conversation drifted towards parent-child relationships and how open (or not open) kids are with their parents talking about sex and other serious topics. I'm very open with my father, and we often talk about girls, dating and sex. However, I assumed he knew he wasn't supposed to say this. I assumed wrong. So, much to my chagrin, I sat there and watched in horror as he droned on about the fact that we talk about sex. The parents gaped at my dad like he had a giant tarantula on his forehead. The other kids smirked or tried unsuccessfully to stifle their laughter. After what seemed like an hour but was probably only ten seconds, my dad's voice faded as he realized all too late what he had said. My dad apologized profusely, but the damage had been done. So use me as an example-a martyr-don't talk about sex in front of your kids' friends. Lately, I've begun to ponder what exactly made me so humiliated. Logically, why should I be embarrassed to have a close relationship with my dad and to be able to converse with him about substantial topics? I think it's because most kids don't get along with their parents, so anyone who does is an anomaly. Much like enjoying reading, discussing sex with parents is not "cool" just because so few teenagers do. And nobody wants to be singled out like that; kids want to have as much in common with their peers as possible. Being different makes kids insecure, and insecurity is usually at its peak during adolescence. Kids want to fit in, and doing something abnormal like talking about sex with their parents makes them feel like outcasts. Teenagers, like adults, need space. They need to be independent, and sharing thoughts as intimate as those regarding sex is a violation of that independence. Teenagers like it if their parents are open to talking about sex, but don't pry for information. That way, they can go to their parents for questions and advice without the threat of interrogation. Try to understand that if your teenagers are reluctant to talk about sex with you, is not necessarily because of any feeling of anger towards you, but because of their own yearning to be independent and have a life of their own. Zack Greenburg is fifteen years old and lives in Upstate New York
Content in DADMAG.com is meant to be distributed freely to interested parties. However, any excerpts from the stories in DADMAG.com must credit DADMAG.com. Copyright 2000, DADMAG.com, LLC. All rights reserved. Site Development - Andexler.com |
