| Who's
In Charge Here? For all the talk of "equal participation," mom's usually in control. Are you ready for a change? By Armin Brott (8/7/00) Imagine this: You roll out of bed on a beautiful, sunny Sunday morning and on the spur of the moment, you decide to take the kids to the park to throw a ball around, and then maybe over to the kids' story reading at the library. (You already spent all day Saturday fixing the leaky faucet in the bathroom and cutting back the rosebushes, and you're really looking forward to spending some private time with your children. "I don't really think that's going to work," says your partner. "They have their art class at 10, ice skating at 11:30, and then I've set up a playdate for them with the Jeffersons in the afternoon." You're stunned. "But I'm going to have to be on the road a lot this coming week and I really want to spend some time with them," you say. "So why don't you drive them out to the art class and pick them up?" she answers. "At least you'll have a few minutes that way." At first glance, this may seem like an innocent scheduling conflict or a minor miscommunication. But in reality, the problem frequently goes a lot deeper. To a great extent, women control the amount--and quality--of time men spend with their children. And despite the fact that most mothers feel that fathers should play an important role in the kids' lives, that role should be "not quite as important as mom's," according to Louis Genevie, Ph.D. and Eva Margolies, authors of a nationwide study of mothers published as The Motherhood Report. In fact, the report found that although only one in ten women thought it was enough for their husbands to be peripheral "breadwinners," two out of three rejected the idea of equal participation. "Ironically," the authors write, "mothers themselves may be subtly putting a damper on men's involvement with their children because they are so possessive of their role as primary nurturer." So what can you do to make sure your input gets equal weight around the house? First, get involved in discussions about the kids early and often. "When men show an ongoing interest in what the kids are doing, their partners are much more responsive to their desires to get involved," says Dr. Brad Sachs, director of the Father Center in Columbia, Maryland. Second, show respect for what your partner does to keep the family running. You can't just show up on Friday afternoon and announce that you'll be taking the kids canoeing on Sunday; your partner may have spent the better part of a week arranging for the weekend's activities. Here are some other things you can do to take charge of your time with your kids. Get some practice. Don't assume that she magically knows more than you do. Whatever she knows about raising kids, she learned by doing--just like anything else. And the way you're going to get better is by doing things, too. Research has shown, for example, that the lack of opportunity may be one of the biggest obstacles to fathers' being more affectionate with their children. Once they get to hold them, fathers are at least as affectionate with their children as their partners are. In addition, fathers seem to instinctively respond--in much the same way mothers do--to their children. "Fathers are very aware of their infants' visual and behavioral cues," says Dr. Ross Parke, Director of the Center for Family Studies at the University of California in Riverside. "And, more important, they take appropriate action to respond to those cues." (So much for the old stereotypes about men not having what it takes to care for children.) Take charge. Ultimately, if you don't start taking the initiative, you'll never be able to assume the childrearing responsibilities you really want--and deserve. In all the times you've seen women pluck crying or smelly babies from their husbands' arms, have you ever heard a man say "No, honey, I can take care of this." ? So, if you find yourself in that kind of situation, try a few lines like "I think I can handle things," or "That's O.K.--I really need the practice." And there's also nothing wrong with asking her for advice--you both have insights that the other could benefit from. But have her tell you instead of doing it for you. Don't be afraid to make a few decisions--and possibly a few mistakes--on your own. Don't devalue the things you like doing with the kids. Men and women have different ways of interacting with their children--men tend to stress the physical and high-energy more, women the social and emotional. But don't let anyone tell you that wrestling, bouncing on the bed, or other "guy things" are somehow not as important as the "girl things" your partner may do (or want you to do). In fact, there's some evidence that girls who are exposed to higher levels of physical play become more assertive in their peer interactions--something that is particularly important to those of us who are concerned by all the recent studies showing that our daughters may be shortchanged in their education because they don't speak up in classes as often as boys. Ultimately, though, both kinds of interactions are indispensable, and it's a waste of time to try to compare or rate them. Get involved in the day-to-day decisions that affect your kids' lives. This means making a special effort to share with your partner such responsibilities as meal planning, food and clothes shopping, cooking, taking the kiddies to the library or bookstore, getting to know their friends' parents, and planning playdates. Not doing these things can give the impression that you don't think they're important or that you're not interested in being an active parent. And by doing them, you make it more likely that your partner will feel comfortable and confident in sharing the nurturing role with you. But make sure to log some private, "quality" time with the kids. too. Sure, somebody has to schlep them all over town to their ballet lessons or soccer practice, but that shouldn't be the only times you get to see each other. Keep a family calendar. "When it comes to scheduling, men tend to defer to their partners," says Dr. Bruce Linton, a Berkeley, California psychologist and coordinator of the Father's Forum. Getting your family's plans down in writing after you've agreed on them is the best way to make sure both you and your partner get the consideration you deserve. Know your rights... Find out whether you're eligible for a family leave under the Family Medical Leave Act--if you work full time and your company has 50 or more employees, you probably are. You may also be eligible for leave under a state-mandated plan or by taking a personal leave of absence. ... And insist on taking family leave. Every man I know who's taken family leave says he'd do it again. One even told me he thought that men who didn't take family leave were "nuts." Do yourself--and your employer--a favor: give everyone at work a few months' notice before you take off. That way, they'll have time to get ready. But don't be surprised if your boss isn't 100% behind you. In a 1986 survey, when CEOs and human resources directors from 1,500 major corporations were asked how much time would be reasonable for men to take as paternity leave, 63% said "none." Even at companies that were already offering it, 41% said no amount of paternity leave was reasonable. But times have changed, right? Not exactly. "There's been a lot more discussion about family leave recently--especially since the Family Leave Act was passed last year," says Marcia Brumit Kropf, research group leader at Catalyst, the non-profit research and advocacy organization that conducted the 1986 survey. "But we've found that there hasn't been any significant change in most employers' acceptance of men actually taking the leave." Keep communicating. If you don't like the status quo, let your partner know. But be gentle. If she at first seems reluctant to share the role of child nurturer with you, don't take it too personally. Many women have been raised to believe that if they aren't the primary caregivers (even if they work outside the home as well), they've somehow failed as mothers. It looks like men are not the only ones whom society has done a bad job of socializing. Armin Brott, the father of two daughters, lives in the Bay Area. A frequent magazine contributor, he is the author of The Expectant Father and The New Father (both from Abbeville). You can find him at Armin@MrDad.com Brott - Take Charge Fathering - 6
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