| Co-Parenting
Blues Ever get the feeling you're a spectator when mom's around? By Karen Karbo A friend, a father of three-year-old twin boys, remarked to me recently that he didn't feel as if he was a good parent when his wife was there. "I feel extraneous. Like I'm always a little out of sync with where she is, parenting-wise. It isn't that she isn't sensitive, or trying to include me, it's just that when I'm alone with the boys I do much better." It's the age old problem of the magician's assistant. The assistant has as much responsibility for making the trick work as the magician, but never gets to call the shots. Men aren't used to being the assistant, but when mom is on the premises they are almost always relegated to that role. To dump another metaphor into mix: the mom is the host of the game show, the dad turns the letters. This is the dilemma of the new, involved Dad, the Dad who doesn't want to be simply a pay check and the guy who reads the bedtime stories and figures out how to put the toys together on Christmas Eve. The sad fact is, however, Mars and Venus do not do well when they take their kids to the playground together. Even the way we talk about co-parenting reveals our assumption that Dad is not a co- parent as much as he is a spectator to his wife's parenting. "He's so good with the kids," we often hear about the men who spend time with their children. My friend Lorna says this about her husband Brian whenever she leaves the house for longer than two hours and comes home to find the house still there and everyone uninjured. "Brian is terrific with the kids. He realizes -- on a kind of very elementary level, mind you -- that there are actually different kinds of duties that go under the heading of parenting. Reading a bed time story to a child who has already been fed and bathed and pajamaed and tucked in is a different sort of parenting activity than the actual feeding, bathing, and pajamaing, which also involvespreparing the food, feeding it, or trying to, then scraping it off the ceiling. Brian is ahead of a lot of other guys in that he realizes there may be some housework to do along with the kid work." It's instructive that one rarely hears the phrase "she's so good with the kids." Isn't every mom? (No, but that's another chat for another time). Moms have trouble with their partner's insecurity because we aren't able to empathize. We don't know what the big deal is. Dads who are paying attention -- and if you're reading this, it's obvious you fall into that category -- should be able to get in the swing of parenting by living in the same house as the person who needs to be parented. There's nothing that annoys a mom more than treating her partner like a slightly older kid trying to cope with a younger kid.You say you feel awkward when we're around? Get over it. Just jump in, grab "Pat the Bunny" and shove us aside. Easier said than done, of course. We will then comment on your roughness, on how you raised your voice enough to get the dog all het up, and now little Joshy is getting that scowl on his face, which is a prelude to a full-on ball-a-thon. Now he'll never go down for his nap. Thanks a lot, hon.Mrs. Dad sees how it is. Unlike many moms (perhaps even your own wife) I understand what you're going through. The secret is to compare your co-parenting experience not with my co-parenting experience but with my being taught to drive by my father when I was 15 1/2. Like you, I was inexperienced and the disadvantaged gender, trapped in a situation with someone who was far wiser than me on all matters automotive. At first, I was so nervous I over-compensated to prove I knew what I was doing. Bad move. I would never know as much about driving and cars as my Dad, just as you will never know as much about children and how to cut their nails without cutting their fingers off, as your wife. Here is how I got through it: 1) Don't over steer. It's the sure sign of insecurity. Don't hover and act like a good-guy TV Dad. Don't be too jokey or touchy-feely. Just be the with kids. Be receptive. Let them take the lead. Which isn't to say. . 2) . . .that you shouldn't be prepared to REACT at a moment's notice. A good driver is a proactive driver, and the good co-parent is the one who anticipated the bookcase tipping over on the toddler. Heads up at all times. No flipping through magazines when you're supposed to be supervising the creation of a Lego masterpiece. 3) Make sure the car is clean and gassed up for the next person who drives it. It's only polite. It's bad form to play with your kids, then leave them dirty and hungry for your co-parent. No wonder she isn't particularly concerned if you don't get enough quality parenting time in. 4) When in doubt, yield. If this is not already the guiding principle in your marriage, it should be. I got a hundred on my driving test, and haven't had a moving violation in 20 years. Good luck. Karen Karbo, our Mrs. Dad columnist, is the author of Motherhood Made a Man Out of Me (Bloomsbury)
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