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Ten Commandments of Dating (Okay, there are nine. The first is to read this article) By Armin Brott (8/16/00) Some newly single fathers have no problem moving out of one relationship and straight on to the next. But most of us, whether we're widowed, divorced, or were never married at all, are too sad, depressed, or angry to even think about the possibility of getting involved with anyone. Chances are, though, that no matter how bad you feel right now, you'll start craving female companionship again. Here are some important Dos and Don'ts that'll make dipping your toes into the dating world a little easier. 1. Do wait a while before you start For a lot of guys, starting a new relationship-with all the dates and the extra showers and being on your best behavior-can be a traumatic and frightening experience, especially if the old relationship didn't end well. But that probably won't stop everyone you know from trying to fix you up before your ex's side of the bed is even cold. Don't give in. There's absolutely nothing wrong with hanging out by yourself or with people you (gasp) have no interest in sleeping with. Take it easy; you've been through a rough time and a break will do you and everyone else a lot of good. 2. Don't swing at the first pitch The last thing you want to do right now is get into a long term relationship with the first woman you go out with. She may make you feel loved and needed--perhaps for the first time in a long time--but chances are you're nowhere near ready for anything other than something casual. So have some fun: go out with a woman who's ten years older than you. Then try one who's ten years younger. 3. Don't get involved for the wrong reasons For most dads, fatherhood is inextricably linked with being in a relationship: if they aren't in one, they tend to feel they aren't capable of being good fathers and their children will suffer. As a result, too many newly divorced dads get remarried or into long-term relationships way too soon. But here's some important news: You do NOT need a woman to make you whole again, to make you a good father, or to give your children a real family again. But you knew that, right? 4. Do tell the truth. Too many guys don't get around to mentioning their kids to their dates. Problem is that if it turns out that the woman you're with doesn't like kids, she's going to be pretty pissed when she finds out your little secret. But if she does like kids she's going to wonder what kind of father doesn't care enough about his children to talk about them. If you're trying to impress women, this is a real biggie: a lot of them tend to think that the way you relate to your children is the way you'll relate to them. 5. Don't bring your dates home-at least not for a while. Sex is great, and you should do it wherever and whenever you can--whether it's in a hotel, your date's house, the back seat of your car, or in a crowded elevator. But try not to do it in your own home--at least not while your kids are there--until you're in a serious relationship. So confine your dating life to nights when the kids aren't with you, or at least meet your dates someplace else besides your house. 6. Do keep your ex out of it. Spending your whole evening talking about how wonderfully you and your ex get along will probably make your date wonder why you broke up in the first place. Badmouthing your ex over your veal scalopini isn't a great idea either. A new girlfriend is naturally going to side with you against the evil women in your life, but your relationship should be built on something a little more solid than the fact that you both can't stand your ex. 7. Make introductions later rather than sooner If you install a revolving door in your bedroom and introduce your kids to every woman who comes out, they'll get confused. You'll also be setting a bad example. If you've got boys, they may get the idea that women are interchangeable; if you've got daughters, they may come to expect that kind of treatment from the men in their life. So don't introduce your kids and your dates unless you're sure the relationship is really going somewhere. If you absolutely can't avoid a meeting, introduce her only as a friend. 8. Do get a lock on the door or use the one you've got. There's nothing quite so disarming as being in the middle of some quality naked time with your girlfriend and realizing that you've got an audience. (Not other adults, we're talking about your kids here.) Even brief exposure to intercourse can be confusing and sometimes harmful to children. Very young ones can misinterpret entangled bodies and cries and moans of pleasure as a fight and worry that someone is getting hurt. 9. Don't get your expectations too high. If you just broke up, chances are you weren't having much sex for the past few months. Or years. So the prospect of getting laid again can be pretty exciting-and pretty stressful. As a result, a lot of guys who are just getting into new relationships experience some sexual performance problems, which can include premature ejaculation or the inability to get or keep an erection. If this happens to you don't start thrashing around looking for a quick solution. You don't need to hound your doctor for Viagra or some other drug; that's for physical problems and yours probably isn't. And don't spend any money on any of those perfectly useless "cures" advertised in magazines or on the Internet. All it'll do is put more pressure on you, and that's the last thing you need right now. Armin Brott, the divorced father of two daughters, lives in Berkeley, California and is the author of The Single Father (Abbeville). You can find him at MrDad.com.
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