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Grocery Store Aphrodisiacs
What does this have to do with being a dad? Who cares?

By Kevin Nelson


From time to time, every man needs to put a charge in his sex life--particularly if he's married and has children. There's hardly any time for sex, and if he does manage to find some, energy and inspiration are often missing. What he (and most of the rest of us) needs is a good aphrodisiac, something to give that slumbering sex life a rousing wake up call. Sure, you could go halfway around the world and pick up some Spanish fly (which is actually the blister beetle, the ancient's version of Viagra) or rub the milk of a jackass on your penis (another ancient prescription for producing an erection). But there's a much easier way: Make yourself a list and go food shopping.

Sound crazy? Well, the truth is that your corner grocery store is filled with tons of foods and beverages--some well known, some not-that can put you and your partner in the right mood and perhaps even turbo-charge your performance while you're at it. Whether or not you believe that food or drink by themselves can have sexual properties, there's no denying that they can have a certain sensual nature. Good food and sex go together like strawberries and whipped cream. How food smells, how it feels in your mouth, how it feels to the touch, even what it looks like can all stir the sexual juices. So the next time you're shopping for the family, throw a few of these items into the grocery basket for that time when the kids are sleep and you and your partner are at long last alone.


Champagne

Marilyn Monroe's favorite drink tops everyone's list of liquid aphrodisiacs. Light, bubbly, frivolous and fun, it says to your partner, "Baby, this is special," and that's a turn-on for her. Champagne in combination with other foods with sexual associations, such as strawberries (best served in warm weather, preferably in bed) or chocolate, is simply irresistible. But in almost any form-champagne truffle candy, champagne ice cubes-it'll almost always do the trick.

As to the type and brand, that's up to you. But there is one general rule when seeking to stir the sexual appetites of women: expensive is better. They like to feel they're special (which they are), and spending money on them is a time-honored technique to show that you think they're special too. The fact that you've gone to the trouble of arranging something out of the ordinary shows that you are thinking about them. And remember: cheap champagne can give you a headache, which pretty well defeats the purpose, doesn't it?


Chocolate, M& M's (green)

Is there any substance more sinfully appealing to women than chocolate? Every February the women's magazines are filled with Valentine's Day articles lauding the aphrodisiacal qualities of chocolate. Buy the darkest, most expensive you can find; it's guaranteed to rev up those pheromones.

A few years ago in Texas, green M&Ms--only the greens, not the other colors--became known, especially among teenagers and college students, as a sexual stimulant. A sorority house in Austin supposedly set aside a jar of them for "special occasions." For most women, though, even if you separate out the greenies, buying them a bag of M&M's as a prelude to sex probably won't achieve the result you're looking for.


Chocolate, Scotch

Chocolate and single malt Scotch, on the other hand, can be a very stimulating mix for those cold winter nights. Try a "Highland High" to start with: draw in a large breath of air, hold it, then take a sip of Macallan Single Malt Scotch whiskey and swallow. Exhale through your nose and mouth, taking a bite of dark chocolate truffle (See's dark chocolate chip truffle works especially well). Get your partner to do this with you, and you're in business.

Beer, with the possible exception of stout, isn't a good aphrodisiac because it tends to make you drowsy. You also may be jumping up and down to pee, which is not exactly a turn-on for women. Exercise good common sense with any booze because, as Shakespeare said, it "provokes the desire, but takes away the performance."


Strawberries, Grapes, Whipped Cream

Any food that you feed to your partner can potentially fan the flames of sexual excitement. Grapes, the Dionysian fruit of wine, are one. Strawberries--red, juicy, suggestive of warmth and summer--are yet another. Strawberries have the advantage in that you can dip one in whipped cream and feed it to your partner, who may then lick your fingers clean.

Whipped cream really should be X-rated. If you make it fresh, buy a half-pint of heavy cream. Put it in the mixer with a little powdered sugar. Whip till it forms soft, sensual peaks. Drop in a half-teaspoon of vanilla--the vanilla bean was once favored by royalty for its lust-making qualities--or orange liqueur for added flavor. Enjoy.


Other Fruits and Vegetables

Juicy and sweet, the tomato was regarded in the 16th century as "the love apple." Its Latin name was pomum amoris and was said to be "so beautiful as to command love." Perhaps a nice tomato soup with potato chip croutons for dinner tonight? No? Well then, how about French onion soup instead? For centuries people have attributed aphrodisiacal qualities to onions. They are fragrant with bell-shaped curving layers inside. According to legend, newlywed couples in France were served onion soup on the morning after their wedding night as a means of restoring their depleted sexual juices.

Some hot-blooded Mediterranean countries believe that hot red peppers stimulate the libido. The ancient Doctrine of Semblances states that any food that looks like a sexual organ may have sexual properties. Think of the pink vulvic insides of a fig or the interior succulence of a ripe honeydew melon. You may also recall that famous scene in "Blazing Saddles" when Madeline Kahn, bearing a plate of large, penis-shaped sausages, asks a man she wants to seduce, "Have another schnitzengruben?"

Truffles are also a legendary aphrodisiac, though definitely not found at your local Ralph's or Safeway. Some specialty stores sell truffle, though, as well as truffle oil. While expensive, a good white truffle oil can add fragrance to various dishes, salads, even french fries.


Seafood

Oysters are one of the best-known aphrodisiacs. Their reputation may be based on their slithery texture and shape. The legendary Casanova, who was sort of the Wilt Chamberlain of his time, supposedly ate 50 raw oysters a day. Some men claim good results with lobster. Stay away from the rare Japanese blowfish, though. It's supposed to increase male potency but if the sushi chef doesn't cut it exactly right and you get a bite of fish liver, you die instantly.


Cinnamon Buns, Roast Beef, Pizza

A Chicago neurologist once studied men's responses to smells. He found that men were different than women--peppermint and chocolate had little effect on their libido. So what did? Turns out that hot cinnamon buns, roast beef, and cheese pizza cause blood to engorge men's penises and make them hard. So after you pick up that pizza tonight, be sure to stop off and get some fresh flowers for her. That way you'll both be happy.

An excellent online guide to these and related food stimulants (plus recipes!) is

Johan's Guide to Aphrodisiacs (www.santesson.com).




Kevin Nelson is the author of The Daddy Guide, a guide for new and expectant fathers (NTC-Contemporary). He is also writing Playground Pop, the serial novel that appears on this site.






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