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Praise Of Quickies And remember-the house belongs to the kids. Think hammock. Think garage. By Buzz McClain Saturday nap time is the best time in our house. It's nice and quite. It's cozy. There's comfort in knowing your two small children are snoozing safe and sound in their beds in the afternoon. But the best part is, if your kids are like ours, you have a minimum of 45 minutes to a maximum of two hours to get into bed yourself. With your wife. For . . . you know . . . matrimonial relations. "You have to be creative," says my cousin Kenny, who recently had, in addition to his three 'tweeners, his Venezuelan mother-in-law staying with him for three weeks. "And you got to hope for nice weather." Howz that? "My wife and I would do it on a lawn chair under the deck," Kenny says. "Yeah, I got strap marks on my ass, but it was worth it." Kenny hits on the first rule of thumb when trying to have sex with kids in the house: Don't do it in the house. My friend Max has a hammock in his side yard; it's dark there at night and useful for when the children are busy with homework. "But I have to know when my neighbors are cleaning their kitchen," he says. What? "We have to time it so that they're finished doing the dishes," he says. "Their window is right over our hammock." But what happens in the winter, when the wind has a testicle shriveling effect and you can't get it on in the great outdoors? "That's what garages are for," says Buck. "You slip out the door, slide into your car and fuck like teenagers in the back seat. It's kinda nostalgic. And the kids can't find you unless you start rocking the mini-van or hit the horn." "The weight bench in the home gym is hard but do-able," says Adrian. "The secret is to wink at your wife, let her vanish first, then exactly three minutes later you vanish too. The kids are watching a movie or playing and I've noticed you have about 14 minutes before they become aware that you're both gone. After 14 minutes, they come looking for you." And, he adds, "during the three minutes she's been alone, she's been thinking about you, so she's already started to get wet. Saves time. A little fondling, a little kissing, and you're on your back, your legs creatively braced against the leg lifts while she rides you like a saddle." "We live in an apartment, so we've learned to do it standing up while leaning on the bathroom sink," says Hector. "It's not so bad. Plus, the mirror is kind of erotic." Notice that no one has recommended locking the bedroom door. Locking the door has the magical effect of drawing children to it. It's an invitation for them to knock on the door, turn the handle over and over and begin calling your name as if their hair was on fire. The real bottom line on all this is the most important aspect of all: You must find your wife attractive. And she, you. You have to be so hot for each other that you will risk exposing yourselves to the children to express your desire. It's not just horniness. It's love. Buzz McClain is a music critic for the Washington Post and has a hammock in his back yard.
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