Praise Of Quickies
And remember-the house belongs to the kids.
Think hammock. Think garage.
By Buzz McClain
nap time is the best time in our house. It's nice and quite. It's
cozy. There's comfort in knowing your two small children are snoozing
safe and sound in their beds in the afternoon.
But the best part is, if your kids are like ours, you have a minimum
of 45 minutes to a maximum of two hours to get into bed yourself.
With your wife. For . . . you know . . . matrimonial relations.
"You have to be creative," says my cousin Kenny, who recently
had, in addition to his three 'tweeners, his Venezuelan mother-in-law
staying with him for three weeks. "And you got to hope for nice
"My wife and I would do it on a lawn chair under the deck,"
Kenny says. "Yeah, I got strap marks on my ass, but it was worth
Kenny hits on the first rule of thumb when trying to have sex with
kids in the house: Don't do it in the house. My friend Max has a hammock
in his side yard; it's dark there at night and useful for when the
children are busy with homework.
"But I have to know when my neighbors are cleaning their kitchen,"
"We have to time it so that they're finished doing the dishes,"
he says. "Their window is right over our hammock."
But what happens in the winter, when the wind has a testicle shriveling
effect and you can't get it on in the great outdoors?
"That's what garages are for," says Buck. "You slip
out the door, slide into your car and fuck like teenagers in the back
seat. It's kinda nostalgic. And the kids can't find you unless you
start rocking the mini-van or hit the horn."
"The weight bench in the home gym is hard but do-able,"
says Adrian. "The secret is to wink at your wife, let her vanish
first, then exactly three minutes later you vanish too. The kids are
watching a movie or playing and I've noticed you have about 14 minutes
before they become aware that you're both gone. After 14 minutes,
they come looking for you."
And, he adds, "during the three minutes she's been alone, she's
been thinking about you, so she's already started to get wet. Saves
time. A little fondling, a little kissing, and you're on your back,
your legs creatively braced against the leg lifts while she rides
you like a saddle."
"We live in an apartment, so we've learned to do it standing
up while leaning on the bathroom sink," says Hector. "It's
not so bad. Plus, the mirror is kind of erotic." Notice that
no one has recommended locking the bedroom door. Locking the door
has the magical effect of drawing children to it. It's an invitation
for them to knock on the door, turn the handle over and over and begin
calling your name as if their hair was on fire.
The real bottom line on all this is the most important aspect of all:
You must find your wife attractive. And she, you. You have to be so
hot for each other that you will risk exposing yourselves to the children
to express your desire.
It's not just horniness. It's love.
McClain is a music critic for the Washington Post and has a hammock
in his back yard.
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